it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
