morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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