im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
