i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
