Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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