I intend to get homeless drunk
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
