Four minutes until I can fart!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
