the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
