Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
