I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
