how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
