But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I am mentally ready for anal.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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