i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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