It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
