I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
