Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I need moral support for this bender
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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