The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
