I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
