dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
