Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
