thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
