You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I party with great urgency now.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
