Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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