I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
