Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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