i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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