do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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