I love black thongs
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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