I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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