The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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