There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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