Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
