I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
