i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
