I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
