dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Damn victory sex feels great
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