I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
