Im at strip club and am horny
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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