Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The air was thick with penises
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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