I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
