the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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