Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
