You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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