Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
