you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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