AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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