i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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