Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
