dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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