They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
