Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
