a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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