I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
